Have you ever had the feeling of wanting to tell someone something so badly but you cant? No, i'm not talking about secrets. Its more of unable to tell. My grandma is in the hospital, with 2 types of cancers. She left 2 months to live. Because I can't speak hokkian and my grandma can't speak english, i can't communicate with her at all. Its so torturing to see her so sick and tired and can't be able to comfort her with words. All i could do was just hold her hand and massage her paralysed right arm. When i visited her today, my aunt told me she's trying to act strong in front of her grandchildren. She wanted to sit down and stand up when she knew she can't but she was so strong. She wanted us to hold her up. I'm feel so freaking guilty because a few months back, she was in the hospital because of heart attack and i didn't visit her. Not gonna say some stupid excuses but i knew it and was just lazy to visit her. My aunt ask me why didn't i visit her the last time she was hospitalized. I couldn't believe what i said. "I didn't know she was hospitalized." I'm really a bitch.

As I was standing beside her bed, i sooooo feel like crying. Although she is so weak, she tried to be strong. Really proud of her. When we move my grandma to the chair to sit because she wanted to [act tough again], i kneeled infront of her, holding her hands and just looking at her vulnerable body. After 10 mins, she moved her hands and i, as her granddaughter do not know what she wants. So, I asked my aunt and my aunt said she was supposingly trying to ask me why i kneeling and ask me to sit on the chair or bed. She was happy seeing me and my sis today. I'm glad that she is smiling despite all the pain she gotta go thru.

* another misty day 8:08 PM